I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Randomize
