She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
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