4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
