Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
