I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
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Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
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I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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