I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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