Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
