Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
Randomize
