I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
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Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Randomize