why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
