We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
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