look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
