Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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