I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
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