No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
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