I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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