and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
