party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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