Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Bring me that man meat
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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