I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
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