This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
