i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
