I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
