My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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