i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
