I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
