I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
