if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
