Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Randomize
