I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
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