Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
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