dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Randomize
