hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
