wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
