Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
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