Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
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