The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
