$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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