3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
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