My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Randomize
