At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Randomize
