Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
He felt like a one man threesome
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
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I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
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the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.