it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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