go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
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i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
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Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.