I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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