I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
Randomize
