Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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