after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
