i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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