I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
