why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
You were trust falling into bushes
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
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