seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
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