We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
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Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
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Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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