there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
