I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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