It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
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I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
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I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
My bed smells like the plague
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
We smell like vodka and hangover
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