Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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