hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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