I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
You are a genius and a whore.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
