my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
