Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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