she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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